The Lost, but Now Found, Annals of a Wandering Uruk-Hai

by Talya Firedancer

Day One

Birthed from nasty mud-fluid sac. Killed stupid orc who'd been pulling on me feet for an hour. Ears tasty when cooked in firepit.

Swore allegiance to Saruman. He put convincing argument - swear to serve him, eat manflesh. And possibility of shagging elf arse.

Day Two

Got wicked armor and battered sword for upcoming expedition. Me not thrilled with white mold plaster Hand of Saruman. Mold allergy make fight difficult when eyes swell. Still, me loyal Uruk-Hai and manflesh hard to come by here in pits of Orthanc. Also Ugluk say Saruman's feelings be hurt if me imply the White Hand in poor taste for fighting unit -- like white target on forehead.

Day Three

At last on road for manflesh hunt. Saruman say trip is for capturing little people called 'hobbits' but all Uruk-Hai agree -- only manflesh worth making long cross-country trip.

Me realize what most Uruk-Hai too stupid to think of...armor made only for going forward, not for retreat. Must figure way to fix this. Uruk-Hai who only go forward and never go back end up dead Uruk-Hai, no chance to taste manflesh.

Day Four

Cross-country trip bring us to mountain foothills. Me think country very scenic, not like pits of Orthanc. Mold plaster itching, scratching make face swell and eyes red and irritated. Me give up crossbow for sword; close-quarter fighting easier even if me cannot see. Hack and slash technique better than anyone but Ugluk's.

Grat break ankle in grounchuck hole. Stupid Grat. We render him into travel-meat, not as good as manflesh but me think better than maggoty bread. Me swipe armor when Lurtz not looking, tack onto back so have front and back protection now.

This Uruk-Hai headed for manflesh, nothing stopping now!

Day Five

Lurtz catch first scent of manflesh. We eat manflesh tonight, he say! Lurtz great motivational speaker.

Oh, and keep halflings alive, he say, or Saruman punish this time with fresh bread instead of maggoty bread.

Me catch first glimpse of tasty elf arse. Elf arse not so hot to look at, but smell real good; maybe think elf arse have some weird scent gland that cause all who look on it to have dirty rotten shagging thoughts and nothing else. Self defense mechanism maybe?

Kill men guarding elf arse and get double bonus: eat manflesh and kidnap elf arse.

Wait, Lurtz say we kidnap halfling.

Maybe say confused, kidnap elf arse and blame weird scent gland.

Day Six

Plan go downhill.

To taste manflesh harder than sound...manflesh know how to use sword better than Lurtz even. Lurtz lose head after killing manflesh last seen blowing noisy horn.

No one get taste; Ugluk grab halflings and sound retreat.

Me nearly lose troop when get distracted by elf arse. Maybe elf arse not all cracked up to be. Still, Uruk-Hai not care much for halflings, but manflesh maybe worth dying for, and me definitely think possibility of shagging elf arse only thing worth losing life over.

Since me only Uruk-Hai with armor front and back, me survive retreat and follow Ugluk on path south.

Me swear to find elf arse after Saruman's errand over.

Day Seven

Me hang back and say me 'scout' rear.

Really, me hoping to catch scent of elf arse again. Instead, me see elf arse shagging remaining manflesh. Weird scent gland strike again! Me having trouble seeing how this self defense mechanism.

So mad, me hurry back to troop and tell Ugluk manflesh very close.

Me stupid, should know better, we spend all night in forced march. Ugluk think if we taste manflesh before finish errand, Saruman be very angry.

Mold plaster still itchy, but flaking off.

Day Eight

Dried Grat supply all gone and still no manflesh. Maggoty bread getting moldy and, since me have allergy, me can only pick out maggots and give rest to other Uruk-Hai. Halfling flesh starting to look real good.

Ugluk say we can reach pits of Orthanc in three days. Obviously he wrong. Even hobbit arse starting to look good, must find elf arse SOON.

Me think of laying trap for elf arse.

How does one bait elf arse? Shiny new arrows maybe?

Day Nine

Laid trap for elf arse.

Could smell elf arse even at ten leagues...or could be was Uruk-Hai wandered too close to the horselords and was a mare in heat somewhere. Anyhow, me dug trap for elf arse and laid in wait all night.

Damn canny manflesh, he steered elf arse clear and met up with company of horselords.

Returned to camp...found rest of Uruk-Hai slaughtered and burned.

Damn dirty manflesh!

Day Ten

Returned to Isenguard. Saruman pissed at failure to bring back halflings or rest of troop, even as rations for rest of Uruk-Hai. Told Saruman was bewitched by elf arse.

Me stunned when Saruman reverse field and say he understand instead of tossing me into pits of Orthanc for rendering. Saruman say he understand; me guess even white wizard have weak spot for elf arse.

Me think weird scent gland definitely self defense mechanism, if even dirty old wizard have weakness for elf arse.

Also, Saruman really like me use of armor to cover retreat.

Day Eleven

Wizard Saruman say only way to get hold of elf arse is to lay siege to Helm's Deep. Once manflesh locks his elf arse behind Deeping Wall, there no getting at it. He also say he put me in charge of Uruk-Hai troop of ten thousand.

Me think Saruman the Wise not called the Wise for nothing.

Me accept commission and set out to supervise advance scout of Warg riders. Warg riders quite stupid; me not trust anyone else to kill manflesh properly.

Perhaps if kill manflesh before Helm's Deep, can avoid this siege thing and settle down with nice piece of elf arse; let others do Saruman's dirty work.

Day Twelve

Warg riders not only stupid, unmanageable to boot!

Me spot column of horselord manflesh headed for Helm's Deep, think to sneak up on them and ambush the manflesh keeping me from shagging sweet elf arse. As me scout sneaky-like from side me catch sight of elf arse in clinch-type moment with hairy manflesh caught shagging it before.

Me so angry, me order pre-emptive charge on horselord column.

Warg riders stupid bunch of lot; not one come back alive. But me seize the day! Hairy manflesh take tumble off cliff when he get tangled up on warg rider; me guess manflesh even stupider than worst warg of lot.

Elf arse seem quite upset at loss of his manflesh.

Despite loss of entire warg rider troop, score BIG for Uruk-Hai!

Day Thirteen

Elf arse make it safely to Helm's Deep! Blistering curses upon the hides of the horselord manflesh!

Despite knocking off hairy manflesh that elf arse involved with, me still unable to capture elf arse before he locked up behind Deeping Wall. Me think horselords pick up pace because they eager to enjoy elf arse now that he away from hairy manflesh fixture with delusions of leadership.

So, me haul out backup plan and lead army to Helm's Deep.

Day Fourteen

Tonight we reach Deeping Wall. Me leave big motivational speech to Number Two Orc; main priority to breach wall and find elf arse. To this end me have cascading plans such as ladders to reach elf arse, explosive device to blow up culvert and reach elf arse, and catapults and battering rams likewise aimed to reach elf arse.

Advance scouts bring word of manflesh on horse making for Helm's Deep.

Me not that unlucky, am me?

Tonight we storm Helm's Deep and me definitely win elf arse for sure.

Me have new theory; weird scent gland not self-defense destructive weapon-type loss of reason thing. Yet me no longer care!

Day Fifteen
--Editor's note; last entry made by Number Two Orc, who stole armor of comrade Klug and made good retreat--

Uruk-Hai host successful breaching wall and drive manflesh into keep. Army of Saruman taste victory!

Number One Orc Klug die on daggers of pretty elf arse when run up and try to grab in mating headlock.

Klug have nifty armor; nicked and proved helpful for escape to come. Army of wizard Gandalf come with dawn and lead last charge of horselord manflesh; remaining orcs flee, Isenguard soggy, wet marsh now.

Me think Shire of Hobbits maybe good place to retire.