by Talya Firedancer

The girl was very definitely asleep.

They peered at her again, just to make sure. Her golden-brown hair was the only thing visible, draped over her folded arms and hiding the head that was buried in there, somewhere. One of the boys poked her, cautiously. She didn't even stir a muscle. She was SOUNDLY asleep.

"Oi, what's this? Kurama?" The dark-cloaked youkai frowned, moving an oval-shaped device back and forth over a little blue pad.

"It's a mouse, Hiei."

"No, it's not," Hiei stated very positively.

Kurama gave him a half-hearted smile. "Just take my word for it. That's what we humans call those things."

Hiei snorted. "Hn. Stupid ningens."

Yuusuke cracked his knuckles and eyed the keyboard with a wide grin. "She's asleep. You know what this means, guys?"

"It means I, the great Kuwabara Kazuma, will write yet another brilliant fanfiction!" Kuwabara announced.

Yuusuke and Kurama sweatdropped. Hiei lifted an eyebrow, and looked like he was contemplating mayhem.

"Oi, Kurama, how does this thing work?" he said instead, poking the keyboard.

"What do you want me to type, Hiei?" Kurama responded, gently moving the girl's chair over and pulling up an empty one. She didn't even shift her position, and her breathing remained even and deep. Kurama wondered if a tornado would wake her up -- if Kuwabara's voice didn't do it, maybe nothing would...

"It should start out, 'The first one to die was the big, ugly, stupid, orange-haired ningen--"

"NANI!?" Kuwabara shrieked, lunging for Hiei.

The short youkai vanished in a flit of displaced air, and Kuwabara toppled over onto his face.

"Uhm...an action fic is all well and good," Kurama said hesitantly, fingers poised over the keyboard, "but this particular author only writes yaoi fics. At least, only yaoi Yuu Yuu Hakusho fics..."

"NANI!?" Yuusuke and Kuwabara shrieked. They stared at each other. They turned a solid shade of brick red.

"So, unless you guys want to get written into a yaoi pairing...I guess it shouldn't be too hard, considering that Kuwabara was supposed to kiss Yuusuke to wake him up in episode five..."

Kuwabara turned a mottled shade of red that clashed with his orange hair. "NANI!?" he screeched. "I never did it! And that clip was censored, anyway!"

"What are you talking about!?" Yuusuke demanded at the same time. "There is NOTHING between me and Kuwabara!"

Kurama grinned. "Would you prefer to call him Kuwa-chan, or Kazu-chan?"

Hiei smirked.

Kuwabara and Yuusuke bolted, both nearly killing each other in the frantic scuffle to get out of the computer lab.

Kurama blinked. Then he grinned suggestively over at Hiei, and started typing.

The ardent youko lover placed his beloved on a bed of rose petals, and kissed him passionately. The slender form of his Koorime lover went rigid in his arms, then slowly began to respond to the youko's ardent caresses...

"What is this crap?" Hiei scowled, leaning over his shoulder to read.

Kurama blinked up innocently. "I just thought I'd indulge a few fantasies...the fic writer is out, after all, so we may as well take advantage..."

"Of me?" Hiei finished for him, and wrenched the keyboard away. "Hn. You have a one-track mind, youko. Let me try this fic thing..."

The fire curled up around the form of the dead orange-haired ningen, whom the fire demon had killed, and the sweet innocent ice maiden clapped her hands for joy. Deep in her heart she had always known that the stupid ningen was entirely wrong for her. She turned to her dark savior...
"Who is calling whose writing crap!?" Kurama protested, grabbing at the keyboard with both hands. "That's terrible! 'Dark savior?' And this is supposed to be yaoi!"

Hiei frowned at him, jerking the keyboard away and wrapping his arms around it possessively. "I'll get to that."

"Oh yeah? When?"

"Baka. You're too damned horny for your own good. She doesn't ALWAYS write lemons."

"But we end up making out more often than not..." Kurama argued persuasively.

Hiei glowered malevolently. "And whose fault is that, usually?"

Kurama smiled sweetly at him. "I seem to remember you getting drunk that one time..."

Hiei 'hmmphed' and turned his attention back to the keyboard.

The fire demon turned from the beautiful young ice maiden he had saved from the direst of fates, and was immediately pounced on by a vain, oversexed, devious kitsune intent on only one thing, insatiable, overconfident-

"HIEI!" Kurama howled, diving for the keyboard. After a struggle he managed to rip it away. "You're so mean!" Pursing his mouth up, he began to type furiously.

-most desirable of consorts, and surrendered to the hungry kisses of his skilled lover. The fire demon was unable to resist the sweet sensations that the youko began to stir within his body, and moaned against his lover's mouth-

"I don't do that," Hiei said flatly.

Kurama raised an eyebrow. "You did it just last week."

Hiei bristled. "I do NOT moan against your mouth!"

Kurama grinned wickedly.

Hiei started forward grimly, and Kurama eeped, expecting to be turned into toasted kitsune. Instead, Hiei snatched the keyboard from his hands and began to type again, his hands blurring over the keys as he employed his superhuman speed, eyeing Kurama as if he feared the youko would pull the board away at any second.

The fire demon did not make a sound as the youko began to grope him the way he always did when he managed to catch him. Which had been happening a lot lately, and the fire demon didn't entirely understand why he let the youko catch him, but it may have had something to do with those X-rated lemon scenes that fic writer after fic writer dwelled on, time and time again, in graphic detail, which the fire demon wasn't always entirely willing to participate in but usually ended up enjoying anyway probably having something to do with the damned youko's tongue... Well, the youko pounced on him, and in five minutes the fire demon got up, and...

"FIVE MINUTES!?" Kurama shrieked, truly affronted now. He leaped on Hiei and in the resulting scuffle knocked a few of the function keys off of the poor, abused keyboard. "I'll have you know, we have NEVER finished in just five minutes! Never!"

"How do you know, kitsune? Were you timing us?" Hiei smirked, pleased that he'd gotten Kurama's goat.

Kurama glared at him and yanked the keyboard out of his hands. He scooted away from Hiei, looking resentful and slightly miffed, and his slender fingers moved busily over the board.

The youko pulled his lover with him down onto the ground, still caressing him, and gave him a deeply passionate kiss, tongue slipping past the stubborn fire demon's defenses to taste him at length. The youko murmured sweet loving phrases into his partner's ear, stroking his hands over the flesh that he bared, preparing for a long, leisurely session of lovemaking. He moved his hands over the sexy youkai's body, and his lover arched up into his fiery touch, beginning to return his kiss with ardent intensity, moaning against his mouth, and the youko rolled on top of him, working his fingers up under the fire demon's shirt...

Hiei blinked at the screen, wide-eyed. "Kurama, you are so full of it--"

Kurama grinned at him. "Oh, come off it, Hiei, it's nearly a word-by-word deconstruction of what we did last n-"

"It is not!" Hiei bristled. He paused consideringly. "Okay, so maybe it doesn't take just five minutes, but I did not 'arch up into your fiery touch,' and I didn't moan against your mouth, and you're flattering yourself if you think you 'slipped past my stubborn defenses'..."

Kurama was eyeing him with curious intensity, his gem-brilliant green eyes fixed on Hiei. The youkai recognized that look, and held his hands up, backing up a step. "Ne...Hiei...all this fic writing is kinda turning me on..."

"No you don't! Not here--" Hiei's protest was cut off as Kurama pounced on him, plastering him with an enthusiastic kiss. The keyboard clattered to the floor.

Hiei squirmed helplessly in Kurama's iron grasp, then blew out the air in his lungs with a huffing sigh, surrendering to the inevitable, and attacked the half-youko's most sensitive, responsive points. Kurama made a surprised, pleased noise, and grabbed him. They flopped around on the floor, the keyboard somehow becoming wedged underneath them, and the computer began to beep loudly as certain keys were ground underneath Kurama's hip.

They both looked up at the machine, startled, as it shrilled out several dyspeptic, high-pitched noises.

The girl at the desk stirred, strands of golden-brown hair shifting with the movement. "Huh...?" She looked up blearily, frowned as she realized she had somehow been moved one computer over, and then eyed her computer.

"Oh, NO!" she exclaimed in dismay, as the bane of existence of all computer-users flashed at her from the monitor.


The computer provided her with these helpful options. "What happened to the fic I was working on!?" the girl screeched, pounding at the keyboard. The computer made a peculiar hiccuping noise and the entire screen flashed. Then it went black. Then it flickered...and the startup sequence started.

"Dammit!" the girl wailed, aghast at her bad luck. "Now I'll NEVER get White Noise done!"

...Meanwhile, somewhere back in the Makai, Hiei rolled over onto his side, peering at a very smugly-smiling Kurama, who reached out and pulled him up against him, running a hand over his sweaty back.

"Five minutes, huh?"

Hiei snorted.