[Act I. Wherein we meet our surly hero.]
<Our scene opens on a palatial mansion-type home; there is a party going on. The glamorous and the beautiful of the Hollywood area are gathered at Karasu's place, a lawyer with the reputation of a carrion crow. Off in one bedroom... enter our hero! A muscular, slight Koorime with spiky black hair is tearing up the carpet and yelling into the phone.>
Hiei: Goddammit, Mukuro, you know this is a really important week for me! Our company is in a really good position to acquire large portions of the Reikai, and probably some of Ningenkai too...
Mukuro's voice <muffled>: I'm sick of your attitude, you demon bastard! You give me orders like you expect me to take 'em or something! Well, up yours! I'm not moving a muscle! Find some pretty little ningen fluff to hang on your arm for a week!
Hiei <snarling>: Well if that's the way you feel about it then you're history!
<trashes the phone in a curl of black smoke, then stalks out of the bedroom. He brushes through the crowd of the bold and the beautiful, backhanding anyone who gets in his way. He takes a look at his car, backed in by a dozen other vehicles, and considers using the Kokuryuuha to trash the cars in his way. He settles for beating up some of the valets instead.>
Karasu <spots him bashing heads together and hurries over>: Leaving my party so soon, Hiei?
Hiei <scowls>: Just be glad I don't *blow up* the party, Karasu. Leave me alone.
Karasu <whines>: But you have to circulate! I threw this party for *you!* People have to see how powerful you are to set the scene for your takeover!
Hiei <dangerously>: You want me to show how powerful I am? <the white bandages on his arm begin to smoke.>
Karasu <backs up, holding his hands up>: No need for that! I'll have the valet get your car out immediately!
Hiei <smirks>: That won't be necessary.
<He hops into Karasu's car parked by the curb, a flashy new sports vehicle, and hotwires it, zooming off down the hill.>
Karasu <yelling, running after him>: HIEI!! DAMN YOU!! You can't even drive a stick shift! And Beverly Hills is in the other direction!!
[Act II. Wherein we meet a certain silver-haired, golden-eyed youko.]
<The scene opens up on the underbelly of the city, with flashy, off-color lights, hookers walking up and down the street, and drug dealers eyeing passersby furtively. The camera pans on a boy with a very long, brown braid, dressed all in black, grinning widely.]
Duo: Welcome to Hollywood, everybody! Where you can find a dream and hold it up to the light, or get drunk off your ass, trip, fall in the gutter and watch it run down the drain...
<A brown-braided young woman wearing a Miaka(tm) school uniform pops out of nowhere, looking outraged.>
Talya Firedancer: Duo, what the hell are you doing in this fic!?
Duo <looks innocent> :Who me? Hey, I auditioned for it fair and square! ... Well, that and I threatened to kill all the other participants auditioning for this role... I AM Death, after all...
Talya Firedancer: You're not IN the YYH Universe you idiot...
Duo <slightly hurt>: Hey, ease up, it's a parody! So kick back and let me do my job before I have to get medieval on your ass... <winks at the camera> I've ALWAYS wanted to say that...
Talya Firedancer <sourly>: Now you're stealing from "Pulp Fiction". . .
Duo <grins cheerfully>: Oh, deal with it. Where was I? <Talya casts her hands up and vanishes.> Oh yeah...Hollywood, land of dreams, world of opportunity, the best of places where anything can come true. . .even your wierdest fantasies...
Duo <reflectively>: Ya know, I've always had this neat fantasy about me 'n Heero 'n this little island getaway...
Talya's voice: GET ON WITH IT DUO!
Duo <eeps>: Sorry, all right already! Sheesh! Some fanfic writers can get so pissy...Yeah, yeah, land o'dreams and all that. So now we're gonna segue into our opening theme for this sexy redhead with an alto voice and *gorgeous* abs...no you suckers, it's NOT Julia Roberts!
<cue raunchy music..."Wild One...">
<The camera pans over tight, silky abdominals, lingers over a beautiful chest, then zooms in for a close-up of a sleepy, languid face. Kurama-as-youko sits up, stretching like a cat, twitches his ears and tail, then finally gets out of bed.>
<The camera discreetly leaves as Kurama showers and dresses, and wails are heard in the background from all the Kurama fans who don't get to see the gorgeous youko in his birthday suit, then he joins his roommate-and-fellow-streetwalker Keiko out on "their block.">
Kurama <angry>: Keiko, what happened to the rent money?
Keiko <defensively>: I spent it, okay? Pimp daddy Yuusuke had this really great party last night...
Kurama <angrier>: No it's NOT okay, Keiko! What if we get kicked out on the street!?
Keiko <smirks>: I'm sure pimp daddy Yuusuke would be glad to take ME in, but I don't think you're his type, Kurama...
<A flashy sports car jerks to a halt by the curb. From within, a lot of swearing is heard, and a few curls of black smoke escape the windows.>
Keiko: OOH! Kurama, baby, that looks like rent money to me...
Kurama <uneasily>: I'm not so sure...what if it's a bad-tempered fire demon whose only interest in pretty youkos like me is to fry every single silver hair on my body...
Keiko <hisses>: Shut up and try to turn your tricks already!! We need the money! <pauses as she looks Hiei over> And he looks like he could use a good lay!
<Kurama strolls over to the curb, swaying his hips seductively. He puts his hands on the door, peering in. Hiei blinks up at him, scowling fiercely, gritting his teeth over a few more curses.>
Kurama <practically cooing>: Hey sugar, you look like you...
Hiei <flatly>: Cut the crap. I'm lost. Can you help me get to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel?
Kurama <blinks>: Oh sure, you just... <he yelps in surprised pain.>
Keiko <hisses, digging her spiked heel into Kurama's instep>: Take him for all he's worth you fool! Charge money for directions!
Kurama <wipes tears of pain from his eyes and looks back at Hiei, who is glaring expectantly.> Um, yeah I can tell you.
Hiei <impatiently>: Well!?
Kurama: But it'll cost you.
Hiei: WHAT!? <black fire begins to glow around his hands>
Kurama <hastily>: If you toast me, you'll never find it! No one'll help you if you kill me!
Hiei <reconsiders>: How much?
Kurama: Twenty bucks.
Hiei <shrugs>: All right, hop in.
Kurama <gives a thumb's up to Keiko and climbs in the car>: Just go straight up this street, and take a left at the light.
<There is silence for a while, as Hiei curses and mishandles the gear shift. Finally he glances over at Kurama.>
Hiei <almost inaudibly, an idea growing in his head>: You a prostitute?
Hiei: Hn. So how much do you charge?
Kurama <thinking fast>: Uh, three hundred bucks.
Hiei: A night?
Kurama <thinking faster>: No, an hour.
Hiei <shocked>: An HOUR!? That's pretty steep!
Kurama <frowns>: Hey! Weren't you supposed to say "stiff?" I'm pretty sure the script says "stiff..."
Hiei <shrugs>: Didn't want to give you an excuse to grab my crotch.
Kurama <smirks>: Oh, I don't need an excuse. <reaches over and cops a feel.>
Hiei <as the car wavers over into the opposing line of traffic>: HEY! I'm driving here!
Kurama: Che. You could have fooled me; your driving sucks!
Hiei <snarling>: I suppose you could do better?
Kurama <grins mischievously>: Oh, much.
Hiei <narrows his eyes> Fine. Let's see *you* try.
<Hiei pulls over to the curb and they trade places. The car squeals off into the night.>
[Act III. Fun with Strawberries. 'Nuff said.]
<The flashy sports car zooms to a precision halt outside the Beverly Wilshire, leaving skid marks behind. A black-cloaked, wild-eyed little youkai with spiky black hair scrambles out of the passenger's side, falls on the pavement, and kisses concrete>
Kurama <cheerfully, coming around the car to join him>: Oh c'mon, it wasn't *that* bad!
<Hiei shudders and glares malevolently.>
Kurama: So, where's my money?
<Hiei silently withdraws a twenty from somewhere within his cloak and passes it to the silver-haired youko.>
Kurama: Thanks! <Sits on the curb and starts whistling tunelessly.>
Hiei <eyes him suspiciously>: Are you just gonna sit there all night?
Kurama <looking up with innocent golden eyes>: Yep. Either that, or until someone comes along and, *ahem,* hires me.
Hiei <frowns really hard, remembering that the Bionic Bitch(tm) dumped him>: Well...you said three hundred an hour?
<There is a *ka-ching* sound in the background. Kurama can hear the rent money calling to him...in fact he glances over and does a double take as he sees a rain of glittering yen in the spotlight of a nearby lamp-post, beckoning to him with its rippling movements. He takes it as a VERY good omen that he is about to get rich off this particular fire demon...>
Kurama <smiles winsomely up at him>: For you, I'd make it five hundred for the whole night...
Kurama <eyes him expectantly>: Well?
Hiei <glaring>: Okay, come with me before I change my mind.
<Kurama jumps up eagerly and scampers over, slipping his arm through Hiei's. The youkai looks annoyed but doesn't pull away. As they walk into the hotel, the tall, silver-haired youkai gets a lot of stares, undoubtedly caused by the diaphanous, scanty clothing he is wearing.>
Kurama <hisses>: Aren't you supposed to offer me your cloak?
Hiei <shrugs>: I don't care what *they* think. They're just a bunch of stupid ningen.
<The hotel manager glances up. It's Koenma, wearing his customary big hat and sucking nervously on his fuukuman. He looks Kurama up and down and if looks could nail a body sharply to the wall, Hiei would've been pinned and wriggling like a cockroach.>
Koenma <sighs>: What's next? Last week that Julia Roberts look-alike, and now this...
<The unlikely-looking couple reaches the elevator. A blue-haired girl is holding it open, wearing a smart hotel uniform.>
Botan <sprightly>: What floor, Mr. Hiei, sir?
Hiei <glowers>: Penthouse. <sweatdrops> Just like the last ten times I used the elevator...
Kurama: Ooh! Penthouse, huh? I've never been in one of *those* before! <drapes himself all over Hiei, tail twitching>
<They reach the penthouse. The camera pans over Kurama, sprawled out on the couch in a sexy pose, looking like a poster boy for...well, you know. Camera cuts to Hiei, sitting stiffly on the other end of the couch, scowling, arms crossed.>
Kurama <languidly twitches an ear>: Well now that you have me here, what *are* you going to do with me? <His voice positively ripples with suggestive, seductive undertones, an implicit invitation.>
Hiei: Hn. Don't know.
Kurama <sits up and gives him a hard stare>: You have *got* to be kidding me. Well...why don't you...um, order some champagne and strawberries?
Hiei <looking stony>: Why?
Kurama <exasperated>: Because the script says so, dummy!
<Hiei shrugs and goes over to the phone.>
<When the champagne and strawberries have arrived, Hiei sits gingerly back on the couch. Kurama scoots over until he's nearly falling in the little youkai's lap, and Hiei jumps and looks startled.>
<Kurama picks up a strawberry out of the golden dish and runs it along Hiei's ear, licks it, then runs the tip along Hiei's bottom lip, offering it to him. Hiei gulps then opens his mouth. Kurama manages to push his fingers in after it.>
<When Hiei finishes the strawberry, he picks up his glass of champagne and downs it in one gulp. Kurama chuckles softly and selects another strawberry. Watching Hiei watch him, he dips it in his own glass of champagne and runs it along his lips, dips it again, and runs it over Hiei's. The youkai flicks out his tongue to taste it, and Kurama catches his breath.>
<After Hiei has polished off this piece, he moves to kiss Kurama and the silver-haired youko draws back, placing a finger over Hiei's lips. Hiei huffs softly in surprise.>
Kurama: You can't kiss me on the lips. That's my one rule.
Hiei <frowns, puzzled>: Why the hell not!?
Kurama: Because I said so. Besides, you're awfully sexy. A youko like me could really go for someone like you. If I kissed you I might fall in love with you.
Hiei <chokes a little>: Oh, okay. Sure as hell don't want that happening.
<Soon Kurama has pinned Hiei to the couch, playing with his earlobe, still feeding Hiei strawberries one at a time in lieu of kisses. Then Hiei's palm brushes over Kurama's chest - his *flat* chest. He jerks in surprise.>
Hiei <staring into Kurama's eyes, frozen stiff>: You're a...you're a...not a woman! You're a...you're a...
Kurama <dryly>: A man?
<Hiei's eyes are bugging out of his head.>
Kurama <defensively>: So what? Have you got a problem with that? You hired me for the night, so... <pounces on the smaller youkai>
Hiei <writhing>: Hey! What - <suddenly gets very still> Ooooh. . .
<Kurama grins a wide, sexy grin, and proceeds to tumble Hiei thoroughly.>
Hiei <breathless, lies limply entangled with Kurama>: That was the best I've ever had.
Kurama <smugly>: Well of course. You've never had it with a youko before, have you?
[Act IV. Hiei wakes up with...something else...]
<Camera pans over the huge penthouse bed. A rumpled, crimson-eyed youkai extricates himself from the sheets, looking down at the body curled up next to him. Then he looks again. Then he lifts up the sheet to make really sure.>
Hiei <yelps>: Kurama!?
Kurama <lifts his redhaired head sleepily>: Whaaat?
Hiei: You're a...you're a...not a youko! You're a...a...
Kurama <dryly>: A human? Yeah, I can only stay in youko form for a few hours.
Hiei <mutters to himself>: I don't know how many shocks my nervous system can take...
Kurama <piteously>: Does this mean you don't like me anymore?
<Hiei gives him an inscrutable look, curling a red lock of hair around his fingers.>
Hiei: I dunno. You still look awfully pretty...
Kurama <delighted smile>: Really? <pounces on him and rolls him again>
[Act V. Hiei and Karasu begin the hostile takeover! Hiei must find a dinner date!]
<The scene has shifted to Hiei's west coast offices. Karasu is standing in Hiei's office. The little youkai has his boots propped up on the shiny wood of the desk as he sharpens a katana.>
Karasu <eyeing the sword nervously>: Okay, now I've scheduled a dinner for you this evening with Enma Daiou and his protege to discuss...
Hiei <scowling horribly>: WHAT!? I didn't tell you I wanted to eat dinner *with* the opposition, I told you I wanted to eat the opposition *for* dinner!
Karasu <chagrined>: Oops. <begins to edge away> Well you should have some kind of date...Enma is bringing his protege Yuusuke...it's a social occasion, and...
<Karasu runs out of the office before Hiei can consider using the katana.>
<Hiei ponders for awhile, then picks up the phone.>
Hiei <looks sulky>: Oi, Kurama? Still there? Er...can I hire you for...oh, say...the rest of the week?
<Kurama's voice, surprised>: Really!? <dollar signs ka-ching in the background> Why?
Hiei: I need a dinner date.
Kurama <sounds slightly disappointed>: Oh.
Hiei <after long pause>: And I'd kind of like you to do that thing with your tongue again...
Kurama <brightly>: Oh!
Hiei: So, will you?
Kurama: Sure...how much?
<They haggle. Finally a price is set. Hiei comes to the conclusion that Kurama is a very expensive youko. Er, human. Er...whatever.>
Hiei <after hanging up the phone>: Silly youko...I *would've* paid ten thousand.
<Back at the penthouse, Kurama stares at the phone.>
Kurama: Silly youkai...I would've done it for two.
[Act VI. Kurama is snubbed...Koenma takes charge!]
<Kurama enters the hotel lobby from outside, a beautiful red-haired boy still wearing his skimpy lingerie-type youko clothing, looking embarrassed. Koenma looks up, does a triple take, and scurries over.>
Koenma: Miss, uh...
Kurama: You can call me Kurama.
Koenma: Uh, okay. Who're you with...?
Kurama: ... Um, Hiei.
Koenma: Ah, very good, sir. You seem to be having...uh, a slight difficulty with your clothes...lack of it, that is...
Kurama <smirks>: Yeah, well...Hiei gave me some money to buy clothes but the store ladies *wouldn't help me...*
Kurama: Yeah, so I took out my Rose Whip and trashed the place...
Koenma <sighs heavily>: Come with me. Something similar happened a few weeks ago, and I think her clothes would fit you...
Kurama <alarmed>: Uh, I'm not a woman!
Koenma <reassuringly>: That's okay, the clothes are very uni-sex. You'll look very fetching.
[Act VII. Wherein it is revealed that escargots flambee nicely.]
<Scene opens on a cocktail lounge. Hiei stalks in, a thundercloud sitting on his brow. Karasu has engaged most of his entire week with useless social appointments. He scans the lounge for Kurama and spots a head of thick, luxurious red hair>
Hiei: Oi, Kurama!
<Kurama turns. He's wearing a flowing Chinese-style tunic and green silk pants. He practically sparkles with bishonen glory. Hiei's jaw drops>
<They go to dinner. At the French restaurant, Enma Daiou and his colleague the Reikai Tantei Yuusuke (not to be mistaken for pimp daddy Yuusuke) are sitting at a table. Both of them look angry, but give taut, civil nods as Hiei and Kurama sit>
Enma <glowering>: Good evening, Hiei-san. <He is obviously refraining from spewing insults and/or threats>
Hiei <nods coolly>: Enma.
<Kurama looks back and forth. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. He tries to make pleasant small talk with Yuusuke while Enma and Hiei glare daggers. He and Yuusuke talk mostly about the weather. The appetizer comes>
<Kurama looks down at the escargot. Dubiously he picks up the tongs, eyes the shells suspiciously, then puts them down>
<An escargot shell goes whizzing across the room. Hiei drops the tongs with a guilty expression, curses, then torches the entire plateful of appetizers in a sizzle of crackling black fire and smoke.>
<Yuusuke jumps up.>
Yuusuke: That's it! I've had enough of this!
Enma <glaring>: I agree, I'm not tolerating this one moment longer! <lumbers up> You're not getting a single piece of the Reikai and that's final!
Hiei <raises an eyebrow>: Is that so?
<They leave. Hiei scowls mightily. Kurama touches his hand.>
Kurama <smiling a little>: Ne, let's go back to the hotel.
Hiei <slants a look at him>: Okay...
[Act VIII. Hiei plays the piano!?]
<Kurama wanders downstairs in the hotel still fully dressed but looking langorous and sleepy. He walks into the lounge. Hiei is seated at the piano, plunking aimlessly at the keys.>
Kurama: Hiei? What're you doing down here? <He walks over and sits on the bench fairly close to Hiei>
Hiei <looks over at Kurama, whose green eyes are wide and inviting, then looks up at the people in the room with death in his eyes>: Get the hell out of here or I'll waste all of you.
<Everyone vacates the room rather hastily.>
Kurama <slips an arm around his waist>: So what do you want to do now? <leans over and bites Hiei's ear>
Hiei: Stupid, what do you think? <seizes Kurama's waist and sets him on top of the piano. His bare feet press the keyboard and make random chords. It begins to make weird, wild music as Kurama shifts as Hiei moves forward, unbuttoning the youko's tunic and pulling it open.>
<Hiei moves to kiss his mouth and Kurama pulls back abruptly, then scoots up onto the piano and lying back. His red hair fans out against the glossy black of the lacquered wood. Hiei smiles slowly, admiring the view, then bends down kiss the bared skin>
<They jangle out strangely beautiful chords as their feet press the keys.>
[Act IX. Wherein it is revealed that Hiei does NOT like polo, and cares even less for Reikai Tantei Yuusuke.]
Hiei <fuming quietly>: I hate this. Stupid Karasu...we should be out taking countries over, not watching sissy little horse-boys hit colored balls...
Kurama <holding his arm, dressed impeccably again>: Well, we can walk around just long enough for people to see you, and leave if you want. . .
Hiei <brightens>: And go back to the hotel?
<Kurama smiles seductively>
<They walk around the perimeter. Horses pound up and down the field. Karasu spots them, waves, and hurries over. His eyes light up when he sees Kurama, and he smiles a sleazy little smile.>
Karasu <to Kurama>: Well hello there.
Kurama <still clutching Hiei's arm>: Hi.
<Karasu chatters on for awhile, about the takeover and all, while Hiei's expression grows bored and distant. Kurama excuses himself to get a drink>
Karasu <eyes alight>: So where'd you get *him?*
Karasu <suddenly looks crafty>: Hiei, honestly...where did you get him? He could be working for Daiou...he's ningen...
Hiei: He's not working for Daiou.
Karasu: How do you know? Those damned ningens...honestly, where did you find him, Hiei? If he's working for Daiou he could tell him anything. . .
Hiei <snaps>: He's NOT working for Daiou!
Karasu <doubtfully>: Well I think I'm gonna have to hire some detectives. . .you never know...he's only human, so just in case...
Hiei <growling>: He's not an agent of Daiou's, Karasu. He's a prostitute. I picked him up when I got lost somewhere near Sunset Blvd. I think.
Karasu <goggling>: Really!? <a grin spread over his features, and he walks off.>
<Hiei wanders over to the punch bowl, where Kurama is flinching back from the womanizing Reikai Tantei Yuusuke (not to be mistaken for pimp daddy Yuusuke)'s heavy-handed advances. Yuusuke obviously thinks Kurama is a girl>
Kurama <swatting his hands>: No really Yuusuke - I'm NOT available. . .so stop...
<Hiei glares at Yuusuke. The edges of his bandages begin to curl and smoke.>
<Twenty minutes later Hiei and Kurama are running back to the car at top speed. Yuusuke is a dark greasy blot on the grass behind them somewhere, and the polo field is completely blasted to bits.>
Hiei <chuckles wickedly>: Heh heh. They'll be picking up the horses with sponges for a month.
Kurama <tsks>: Honestly Hiei, did you really have to do that?
Hiei <considers it: Yes. Yes I did.
[Act X. Trouble in Paradise! Hiei admits defeat!?]
<Back at the penthouse, Hiei is standing just outside the balcony, arms folded, glaring out over the city.>
Hiei: Stupid social crap...stupid Karasu...stupid humans...
Kurama <coming up behind him, frowning>: What was that?
Hiei <looks around, meets Kurama's eyes, remembers he's human>: Uh, nothing.
Kurama: Hiei, why did you tell Karasu I'm a prostitute...?
Hiei <raises an eyebrow>: It's true, isn't it? Something wrong?
Kurama <getting angry>: Yeah there's something wrong! You shouldn't have told him!
Hiei: Why not?
Kurama: Because it was mean! Karasu's a pervert! He was trying to schmooze all over me! I don't want guys like him thinking they can hire me... And the *price* he offered... <Kurama looks hurt and offended and indignant all at once>
Kurama: It made me feel cheap.
Kurama <righteously>: I am NOT cheap!
Hiei <glares>: Well, what do you expect *me* to do?
Kurama: Well one thing's for sure! You're not sleeping with *me* tonight!
<They argue some more, and it ends up with Kurama snatching up his clothes and asking for his money. Hiei growls, gives him the money...Kurama takes it, then...>
Kurama <reconsidering>: Hell with this! <shoves a startled Hiei out the door and locks it>
Hiei: WHAT THE FUCK!? <He bangs on the door, considers burning it down, but for some strange reason doesn't want to hurt Kurama should he be standing behind it. He wanders over to the elevator, out of sorts.>
<Botan blinks cheerfully at him. Hiei raises an eyebrow.>
Botan: Going down, sir?
Hiei <glares at penthouse door>: I only wish...
Botan <pretends she didn't hear that>: Trouble, sir?
Hiei <scowling fiercely>: Hn.
Botan: Did you have an argument?
Hiei <incredulously; he still can't believe it>: That stupid fox! He kicked me out! That wasn't in the script... Stupid ningens... they're so emotional...
<Piece by piece Hiei grudgingly reveals the story to Botan.>
Botan: You jerk! You should go back and apologize!
Hiei <outraged>: WHAT!?
Botan: You heard me! ...Hey, you like him, don't you?
<Hiei sputters incoherently>
Botan: I'll take that as a yes. Why don't you try apologizing to him?
Hiei <sullenly>: I don't know how.
<Botan rummages around hammerspace, pulling out an oar.> Oops. <She rummages aroound some more, pulling out a bouquet of roses.> Here, try these. And say you're sorry.
Hiei <gingerly accepts the bouquet, as if picking up live snakes>: You're sure this is going to work?
Botan <beams>: Sure I'm sure!
<Hiei marches back to the door and pounds on it. After a moment, the door cracks open and a green eye peers through.>
Kurama <muffled>: Whaddya want? I'm busy eating some Haagen Daaz and sniffling my way through some soap operas...
Hiei <presents flowers>: Here. Uh, I...mmph...here. I'm <mrgle srrph.>
Botan <hissing in background>: Just say it!
<The door opens wider. Kurama folds his arms and stares at Hiei expectantly.>
Kurama: You made me feel cheap.
Hiei: I know. Ehrm...I'm... <chokes> uh, srrrr-y..."
Kurama <accepts this as close enough and takes the bouquet>: Okay. . .just don't do it again!
Hiei: So you forgive me?
Kurama <considers it>: Yeah, I guess so.
Hiei: So... <looks uncertainly but hopefully at Kurama>
Kurama <impatiently>: Oh, get in here you silly youkai!
<He pounces on Hiei, drags him inside, and shuts the door firmly. After a few minutes Botan blushes at some of the noises coming from behind the door and she hastily retreats into her elevator, pushing the button for a different floor.>
<Enter Duo again, in the hotel lobby, prancing happily and enthusiastically to some upbeat music>
Duo: Things are going well, ne? Heh heh...what I wouldn't give to be a fly on *that* wall...or at least have some cameras...
Talya's voice: DUO!!
Duo: All right, all right! Well peoples...as you can see Hiei and Kurama are getting along *very* well...<looks speculative> ... Anyway! Over the next few days Hiei continues to suffer through scores of stupid social engagements with Kurama providing some *ahem* welcome distractions. . .although how Kurama managed *that* in a helicopter without the...
Talya's voice <strangled>: **DUO!!**
Duo: Okay, okay! Well my point is that Hiei's driving focus is no longer his conquest of the Reikai or Ningenkai. He's having too much fun with a pretty red-haired youko! In fact whenever Karasu starts to *talk* about the upcoming takeover Hiei usually gets bored and starts lighting random things on fire...
Duo <eyes sparkling>: Fire is good...
Talya's voice: Get on with it you pyro...
Duo <smirks>: Look who's talking, *Firedancer.*
<Talya maintains a lofty silence.>
Duo: Well that pretty much brings us up to date. Today's the big day for Hiei! He's meeting with Enma Daiou to sign some papers and there's not a damn thing Enma can do...he can't even press charges against Hiei for killing Yuusuke because Karasu has the local police in his pocket. . .
[Act XI. Boardroom antics! Karasu is at a loss!]
<Scene opens in Hiei's boardroom; he's at the head of the table with his feet propped up on the marble, arms folded, head slightly tipped to the side. He has a very faraway expression. Enma Daiou is seated at the other end, glowering helplessly. Karasu is handing out some papers.>
Karasu <smirks triumphantly>: So, Enma, after a week of dangling you on the hook you're still short on the money so we're going to reel you in! <cackles>
Enma <glowers evilly>: You can't get away with this! I have allies! You can't do this!
Karasu: Oh, it's done! All we have to do is have Hiei threaten you enough to sign the papers...<waits expectantly>... Uh, Hiei?
<He's still wearing that far-off expression. He's actually smiling very slightly.>
Karasu <in shock>: Hiei!?
<Hiei, meanwhile, is re-living last night. He and Kurama tumbled all over the penthouse making wild passionate love. Then, very late in the night, when Kurama had thought Hiei was asleep, Kurama had whispered something against his neck...>
Kurama <very quietly, sounding hopeless>: I love you...
<Hiei is spooned against him. He cracks open one startled red eye, not believing his ears. Kurama's arms tighten around him, and soon he hears Kurama's soft, regular breathing. He's asleep.>
Hiei <softly>: Hn. Stupid fox...
<At some point around dawn Hiei wakes up and Kurama is kissing him. He can't quite believe that, either. But he kind of likes the results. . .>
<END OF FLASHBACK>
<Hiei is still in shock. Kurama loves him. Kurama kissed him, which he said he wasn't going to do. He can't understand what this strange new feeling expanding his ribcage is...>
Karasu <hissing angrily>: Dammit Hiei!
Hiei <looks up finally>: Hn?
Karasu <impatiently>: Hiei, it's time to take over the Reikai!
Hiei <bored>: Are you still stuck on that? <He suddenly realizes he doesn't care about the Reikai anymore. It's just another useless piece of land anyway. Besides, Kurama would probably call him mean, and maybe throw another fit, if he initiated his hostile takeover.>
<Hiei looks around the boardroom, then holds a hand out. The takeover papers begin to seethe with smoke, then burst into black flames. Soon there's a merry bonfire blazing in the middle of the table.>
<Enma Daiou looks dazed but ecstatic; Karasu begins to make choking noises and dances around with fury. A fire alarm goes off which Hiei quite calmly rips out of the wall and tosses on the bonfire.>
Hiei: Fuck that. I'm bored with conquest; I'm good enough at that already. Karasu, write up new papers to float Enma Daiou the loan he needs to get the Reikai back on its feet. I'm leaving.
Karasu <staggering; his whole world has gone up in those flames>: Where are you going!?
Hiei <smiles slightly>: Hn. To a jewelry store.
<He disappears in a black blur. Enma smirks at Karasu, gloating. Karasu looks forlornly at the merry blaze, then his expression grows furious.>
[Act XII. Richard Gere never did THAT!]
<Camera opens up on Kurama, packing all the neat stuff that sugar daddy Hiei has bought for him over the past week. His fingers linger over the blue sapphire necklace Hiei had stolen from an expensive upscale jewelry store for him. He sighs and picks up the phone.>
Kurama: Hi, Keiko?
Keiko's voice <bleary, sleepy>: Where the fuck have *you* been?
Kurama: A penthouse, for most of the week.
Keiko <waking up>: No kidding? Lucky damned youko...
Kurama <smiles>: Yeah, I got our rent money... <he sounds a little wistful.>
Keiko: Hey, you okay? You sound kind of sad!
Kurama <sniffs a little, thinking of last night, and this morning>: I'm fine.
Keiko: Oh shit.
Kurama <innocently>: What?
Keiko: Tell me you didn't.
Kurama: Didn't what?
Keiko: *Tell* me you didn't KISS him...
Kurama <pretending cheer>: Of course not!
Keiko: Oh god. Oh gooood, did I teach you NOTHING? You FELL for him, didn't you!?
Kurama <quickly, defensively>: No I didn't!
Keiko: You liar! You fell for that bratty little fire demon!
Kurama <defensively>: Well maybe I did kiss him on the mouth but that doesn't mean...
Keiko: Stupid fox! I can hear it in your voice, you're absolutely bonkers for him!
Kurama <wearily>: It doesn't matter. I'm coming home today as soon as I pack.
Keiko <suspiciously>: Okay...
<Kurama hangs up and buries his brilliant red hair in his hands.>
Kurama: Stupid, stupid youko! HOW could you let yourself fall for such a bad-tempered, violent little <sigh> sexy, inscrutable, muscular. . .
<Someone knocks on the door and Kurama answers it...it's Karasu, who eyes Kurama up and down, eyes alight.>
Kurama <uneasily>: Uhm, hello. Hiei's not here...I thought he was at work, with you.
Karasu: No, Hiei's definitely not with me. <getting angry> Because if Hiei were with *me*, he wouldn't be BLOWING OFF billion-dollar deals to go off and screw some pretty red-headed ningen...<advances on Kurama, who backs up, eyes wide.>
Karasu: No, I think Hiei is with *you...*
<He grabs Kurama and gropes him roughly, as he starts to struggle, panicked. Kurama shoves him away and Karasu lashes out with a vicious little invisible bomb that sends Kurama sprawling, stunned, across the couch. Immediately Karasu bends to gather up the stunned youko in his arms, an evil lecherous glint in his eye.>
<Enter Hiei, roaring angrily> **KARASU!!**
Karasu <drops Kurama on the couch and turns to face him> Oh shit.
<his eyes are wide and panicked>
Hiei <glares coldly and furiously>: Jaoh Ensatsu Kokuryuuha!
<The black dragon manifests and begins to trash the penthouse, almost incidentally snapping up Karasu in its wicked jaws, who shrieks. Hiei springs forward and scoops up Kurama, bounding onto the balcony and from there to the roof. After about fifteen minutes of roaring, screaming, and sounds of intense destruction, the black dragon tattoo returns to Hiei's arm.>
Kurama <dazed>: Why - why'd you do that? Karasu was your partner. . .
Hiei <wavering>: Hn. Stupid fox.
<He wobbles and collapses, and Kurama catches him. A little black velvet box falls from Hiei's hand and clatters to the roof tiles.>
Kurama <spying it>: Huh?
<He picks it up and opens it. Inside, a wide silver band sparkles up at him, set with a deep onyx and a blood-red ruby. They form the eyes for a delicate etching on the wide band of a tiny dragon and a tiny fox.>
Kurama <shocked, accusingly>: HIEI!
Hiei <cracks open an eyelid, barely>: What?
Kurama: Hiei, you just TOTALLY changed the script ending !!
Hiei: Hn. Do you want it, or not?
Kurama <starting to tear up; sniffles>: Of course I want it! Baka. <He kisses him tenderly>
Hiei: Just one thing...
Kurama <nuzzling his ear> Mmh?
Hiei: If you expect me to get pregnant and have babies, I'm calling the whole thing OFF!
<Kurama chuckles and starts winding bandages around Hiei's right arm, covering the tattoo.>
Kurama <sweetly>: So you don't want any sweet, cuddly...
Hiei <violently>: NO! And no morning sickness, no weird food cravings, no wild hormone fluctuations...not even for you!!
Kurama <wheedling>: But Hiei...
Hiei: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
<Duo strolls into the background of the scene, walking along the ridgepole of the roof, grinning widely as "Pretty Woman" starts to play in the background.>
Duo: There you have it, minna-san! The happy couple! Ah, Hollywood. . .land of dreams...
Keiko's voice <shrill, from offstage>: HEY! What about my dreams, huh! I never DID get that rent money! You think I wanna be turning tricks all my life? You think I WANT to end up with pimp daddy Yuusuke!? Kurama, *where's my rent money!!*
<Kurama is necking with Hiei.>
Duo <motions frantically offstage for someone to restrain Keiko>: Ye-up! Land of opportunity! Frontier of the American dream! Of course, ya gotta love Hollywood 'cause this is the only place an unlikely match like this could happen! <laughs heartily, winks> Hah ha! Right? I mean c'mon think about it...a youko and a Koorime fire demon? Get real! Well anyway here everybody's god a dream...you have a dream...I have a dream. . .in fact last night I had this dream about Heero and for some reason Trowa and Quatre were there too and we were all drunk off our asses...
<Talya Firedancer appears once more and gags Duo with his own braid. He looks indignant and muffled curse-type noises get past the hair>
Talya <hastily>: That's all, folks!
-- the end? --
AS FOR THE REST OF THE CAST...
--Keiko ends up marrying pimp daddy Yuusuke and moving to Japan to open a chain of ramen restaurants to support their crack habits.
--Karasu, a stain on the carpet, is vacuumed up and blotted off the walls, and quietly plots revenge.
--Enma Daiou takes his loan from Hiei and uses it to finance a high-scale gambling operation in the Reikai where you can literally wager your soul. . .he ends up deeper in debt than before.
--Daiou's protege Yuusuke (not to be confused with pimp daddy Yuusuke) is allowed to be resurrected because the paperwork for his death didn't go through (it was buried somewhere in casino and liquor permits).
--Mukuro ends up taking over the Reikai, because Enma is yet again deeply in debt.
--Botan the elevator operator catches the eye of Koenma the hotel manager. They get married and have a wild honeymoon in Enma's biggest, most lavish casino. Of course this causes Koenma to be forced to put his hotel in hock, and eventually his soul... he ends up with a crappy, low-pay desk job in the Reikai and Botan has to ferry souls instead of pushing elevator buttons for a living...
Did Hiei and Kurama live happily ever after? See for yourself...
<Scene opens up on a living room. Hiei is seated on the couch, boots propped up on the immaculate coffee table; he is watching TV and drinking a beer. He sticks his hand into the top of his pants a la Al Bundy. He is scowling.>
Hiei: Oi! Kurama! I'm hungry!
Kurama's voice <crossly>: Oh and I suppose you expect *me* to cook for you! After what you've done!
<Kurama waddles in, eight months pregnant, and gives Hiei a vicious glare>
Kurama: I'm going to kill you for this.
Kurama <disgruntled>: How the hell did you manage this, anyway?
Hiei <smugly>: I bribed the fanfic writer.
Kurama: ...<fuming quietly> ...
<Waddles over to the couch and sits down heavily> Oof...ne, Hiei, koibito, rub my feet!
Hiei <growls>: Why should I?
Kurama <snappish>: Because this is all your fault!
Hiei <mutters>: That is the LAST time I pick up any silver-haired,transforming-to-redheaded ningen youkos...
Kurama <grimly>: You're damned right, it's the last time.
<"PRETTY WOMAN" starts to play in the background>